Potential Foster and Adoptive Parents
If you are considering foster care or adoption, this page is meant to slow you down, not rush you forward. I have been in your position. I understand the pull, the hope, and the sense of calling. I also understand what no one explained clearly enough before I said yes.
Please read this fully.
A reflection from me.
I know many people feel called to foster or adopt. I did too. My mom was in foster care. I was adopted. Part of my decision to foster was rooted in that story. But once I was inside the work, I discovered something I hadn’t fully faced, my own unhealed trauma was intertwined with my motivation. What I thought was strength was sometimes overextension. What I thought was selflessness was often unprocessed pain pushing me past my limits. Feeling called does not automatically mean you are ready. And no amount of required training fully prepares you for what this work can surface in you. We lived through things no one talked about. These are some of the realities many families quietly face:
children running away
sexualized behaviors that stay with you long after the moment has passed
hearing stories that television can’t even fully capture
witnessing the very real impact of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse
realizing that “simple” parenting moments like, putting on shoes in the cold, are not simple when a child has never had consistency or safety
I watched babies withdraw from drugs. That was one of the hardest things I have ever witnessed. Another was watching my marriage almost fall apart. We became so focused on caring for children that we stopped caring for each other. We spent years in marriage counseling. I am still in therapy, six years later. Not because we failed but because we needed help no one warned us we would need. None of that training prepared me for the emotional, physical, and relational toll foster care took on our family or my mental and physical health. Yes, we adopted. Yes, we love our children deeply. And yes, we still have hard days. Adoption does not erase trauma. Love does not undo history. Good intentions do not prevent impact.
I share this not to scare you but to be prepare you.
These are the parts no one prepared me for. These are the conversations that should have happened before the first placement.
Understanding Foster Care by the Numbers
The foster care system is complex, and many families begin the journey without fully understanding how it works.
A few numbers help explain why preparation and support matter.
About 50–55% of children who enter foster care are eventually reunited with their biological families. Reunification is the primary goal of the system.
Children in foster care experience an average of 2–3 placements, though some experience many more before reaching permanency.
Agencies report that 30–50% of foster parents stop fostering within the first year or two, often due to lack of preparation or support.
Behind every number is a child and a family navigating a complicated system. That is why preparation, honesty, and support matter.
This is why thoughtful preparation matters before saying yes.
REALITY
This reflection does not soften the realities of foster care and adoption.
It addresses:
trauma-related behaviors
emotional and physical exhaustion
the impact on marriages and existing children
the demands of the system
the ways this journey can surface your own unresolved history
Not because these things are common in every situation, but because they are possible, and you deserve honesty before you decide.
These realities are not shared to scare you, they are shared because children deserve adults who understand what they are stepping into.
PAUSE
You are not meant to rush through this.
This reflection is intentionally thoughtful and may take time to complete.
You may need to step away and come back.
You may need to talk with your partner, your support system, or a therapist.
That pause is not a delay.
It is part of responsible decision-making.
READY
Only after truth and pause comes the real question:
Are you ready?
Not hopeful.
Not called.
Not willing.
READY.
Ready means:
understanding the weight of the decision
having real support in place
knowing your limits
being willing to be changed by the journey
Ready doesn’t mean perfect. It means prepared and supported.
This reflection was created from both lived and professional experience, as a foster and adoptive parent, and from working within the system.
Over and over, I heard the same questions: How do we keep foster parents from burning out? How do we keep families from quitting? How do we prevent children from being moved from home to home? What I came to understand is this: many families do not realize the full emotional toll until they are already inside it.
The first weeks run on adrenaline and hope. Then exhaustion sets in. Sleep deprivation. Compassion fatigue. Strain on marriages.
Without preparation and support, families can feel overwhelmed before they even understand what is happening. That is why this work exists.
Readiness Reflection
Before moving forward with foster care or adoption, many families ask the same question:
“How do we know if we’re actually ready?”
The Readiness Reflection is a guided set of questions designed to help you think through the emotional, practical, and relational realities of welcoming a child from foster care or adoption into your home.
This is not a test, and there is no passing score.
It is simply a structured way to slow down and look honestly at areas that often go unexamined before the first placement.
It invites you to reflect on things like:
• the stability of your current season of life
• how your household handles stress and disruption
• the impact foster care could have on your marriage and existing children
• your support system and ability to ask for help
• how unresolved personal experiences may surface during this journey
Some questions may feel uncomfortable. That is intentional.
Discomfort does not mean you should stop.
It simply means you are thinking honestly.
And honesty is one of the most important ways adults protect children.
Readiness Reflection
The purpose of this reflection is not to create fear or assumptions about children. It is to help adults prepare emotionally, practically, and relationally for the possibility of complex needs because preparation protects both families and children.
This reflection is about readiness, not guarantees.
Below are situations many foster parents encounter that are not always fully discussed in licensing classes. This section highlights some of the lesser-known behaviors that foster parents may encounter. They are not the most difficult situations, only a starting point for reflection. The goal is not to overwhelm you, but to encourage honest consideration of the realities that can come with caring for children who have experienced trauma.
These questions are not a test. They are simply an opportunity to pause and reflect on what foster care may realistically require from you and your household.
Please reflect on each question using the following scale:
Strongly agree
Somewhat agree
Neutral
Somewhat disagree
Strongly disagree
Could I care for an infant experiencing drug withdrawal, including long term sleep deprivation?
Could I manage and handle a child running away at night or in a public place?
Could I handle being hit, kicked, cursed at, or yelled at by a child in your care?
Could I handle a child repeatedly lying, cheating and stealing?
Could I manage the care of an older child who is not toilet trained?
Could I manage a child displaying sexually reactive or inappropriate behaviors?
Could I manage behaviors related property destruction in my home or public places?
Could I support a child’s relationship with their biological family, even if I believe I could give them a more stable home?
How would you handle being falsely accused by the child in your home, the investigation and that child being moved out of your home?
I have a flexible schedule when it comes to foster care realities such as: frequent medical appointments, therapy sessions, social worker visits, caring for a child who cannot attend daycare, caring for a child who is not yet school-aged and navigating long daycare waitlists.
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If you noticed that many of your answers leaned toward uncertainty or disagreement, that may simply mean there are areas of foster care worth learning more about before beginning the licensing process.
Many families start by exploring how the system actually works and what daily life in foster care can look like.
→ Learn more in the The Shore Walk
If these questions sparked deeper thoughts about readiness, family dynamics, or long-term expectations, you may benefit from exploring additional reflection questions designed for families considering foster care.
→ Explore the “Before You Say Yes” reflection guide
If this reflection slowed you down, unsettled you, or made you question your readiness, that is not a failure. That is wisdom. Sometimes the most loving decision is to pause, prepare, and seek support before moving forward. Children do not need adults who are simply called. They need adults who are ready, supported, honest, and willing to do their own work.
Many people feel called to foster. Few are given the space to pause and reflect before saying yes.
I am not trying to scare you, I am trying to prepare you.
Before you decide to foster, it’s important to understand some of the realities of the foster care system. These facts are not meant to discourage you. They are meant to help you prepare for the responsibility of caring for children who have experienced trauma and navigating a system that can sometimes be complex.
Did You Know?
Allegations Happen: Many experienced foster parents will face at least one allegation during their time fostering. Most are investigated and found to be unsubstantiated, but the process can still be stressful. Understanding how investigations work and how to protect your family is an important part of being prepared.
Runaways Often Happen More Than Once. Among foster youth reported missing, about 40% have multiple runaway episodes while in care. Little known fact: When one of my foster daughters came to live with us at 18, she already had eight CHINS charges. CHINS means Child in Need of Services or Supervision. What many people don’t realize is that these charges often reflect trauma, instability, and lack of support, not a child who is simply “acting out.”
Many Youth Remain in Care for Years. Over 23,000 youth age out of foster care each year without a permanent family. These young people often face higher risks of homelessness, unemployment, and instability. Nearly half of youth who age out of foster care experience homelessness by their mid-20s. That same child who had eight (8) CHINS charges, needed stability, guidance, and a safe place to land. We helped her enroll in college, supported her through those early adult years, and gave her a place to live while she figured things out. Today she has a college degree and helps teens who are aging out of foster care. Sometimes the hardest stories can grow into the most beautiful outcomes.
Preparation doesn’t mean expecting the worst. It means understanding the realities of foster care so that when challenges arise, you are not facing them unprepared.
Why This Is Important
Children who enter foster care or adoption have already experienced loss, instability, and trauma. When adults step forward unprepared, even with the best intentions, children often carry the consequences through multiple placements, disrupted attachments, and more loss.
Good intentions are not enough. Love is not always enough. Being “called” is not the same as being ready. Changing outcomes for children begins with honest preparation from the adults who are considering saying yes.
This reflection helps you look at:
• your current life and responsibilities
• your emotional readiness and personal history
• your support system
• the impact this decision will have on your home, marriage, and existing children
• the realities of trauma-related behaviors and system demands
Not to scare you but to prepare you because children deserve adults who understand what they are stepping into.
A Gentle Reminder
Completing this reflection does not mean you have to
move forward. Sometimes the most responsible decision is waiting. Sometimes it is preparing longer. And sometimes it is deciding this path is not right for your family.
Every one of those outcomes can be an act of care.
If You Want Guided Support
If this reflection surfaces questions, doubts, or clarity you would like help processing, guided support is available. The 6-Week Before the Tide is designed for prospective foster and adoptive parents who want more than a checklist, who want honest preparation, guided discussion, and real-world context before moving forward. You do not have to sort through this alone.
Explore the Lighthouse Programs here
Low tide reveals what was always there, but couldn’t be seen until now. And sometimes, it shows you that what once felt steady… has shifted.